Chapter 1, Humanizing Public Conversation
We Must Do Better...
Note to readers:
My book Humanizing Public Conversation, Building Trust and Cooperation with Your Constituents, is almost ready for publication. All it needs is some final public feedback, both big and small (after dozens of edits, I still found a typo when uploading the text to Substack). I’d also like to begin a public conversation about how leaders engaging their public and other constituents might use this material in the field. So, I’m releasing my book one chapter at a time for your benefit and comment. As a practitioner of these principles, I know that learning comes from fieldwork; please share yours and help these concepts come to life so we can learn together.
Thank you, Jeff
Chapter 1: We Must Do Better
Institutional democracy depends on citizen democracy, but this connection has come loose. It’s as though the rudder of the ship isn’t connected to the ship’s steering wheel. Without being reconnected, institutions can’t regain the public’s confidence because institutions can’t create their legitimacy, define their purposes, or set the standards by which they will operate. Over the long term, governing institutions can’t sustain decisions that citizens are unwilling to support.
David Mathews, With: A Strategy For Renewing Democracy.
The Problem: Growing Incivility Blocks Essential Change
Public incivility has increased dramatically over the past 10 years, according to a 2022 report from the National League of Cities and the American Bar Association’s 2023 Civic Literacy survey. Moreover, the public is increasingly polarized (72% of Republicans regard Democrats as immoral, and 63% of Democrats say the same about Republicans; Pew Research, August 2022), and Americans’ trust in each other has plummeted (just over three-fourths of US adults believe Americans have little confidence in their fellow citizens; Pew Research Center, July 2019).
Growing incivility and polarization have consequences: “The real work doesn’t get done when you are fighting amongst each other,” says Judy Mitchell, a former mayor and council member from Rolling Hills Estates, CA. Consequently, many articles have been written to help public leaders do a better job of creating civility in their own public engagement. Typical suggestions include the following (from a January 1, 2022, article in Western City):
Strengthen your relationship with the public.
Focus on civil discourse.
Disagree agreeably and professionally.
Be open-minded and embrace diverse points of view.
Strive for a win-win.
Work toward consensus and seek common ground.
However, books and blogs about public engagement rarely tell you how to implement their suggestions in a room full of upset, uncivil people. This book offers specific steps that will help you generate civil public dialog that, over time, builds a trusting, cooperative, mutually supportive relationship with your public.
The Possibility: Renewed Faith in Each Other
If we are to navigate the challenges faced by our communities, country, and planet, we must go beyond mere civility; we need to build relationships that allow us to consider difficult tradeoffs with honesty. “The strength of democracy…depends on the connectedness of our communities.” Peter Block, Community: The Structure of Belonging.
To do this, we need “relational” engagement rather than the “transactional” engagement practiced by most governments and institutions (bulk emails, social media, websites, and newsletters that “tell our story”). Right now, you might doubt that any kind of engagement could lead to a civil relationship with the public, much less a high-trust, cooperative relationship (even the Dalai Lama said, “We’ve been to the moon and back but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor”).
However, my experience over 20 years shows we can deepen communication, build relatedness, and effectively work together despite our public conflict.
Becoming a mediator showed me that communication ground rules and an intention to collaborate were often all that was needed for an amicable divorce.
I’ve taught continuing legal education courses in collaborative negotiation. Through peer dialog about personal situations, lawyers learned to connect with strangers and learn from them.
When Peter Block asked an urban group to discuss why the city mattered to them, he demonstrated how intimate, heart-centered dialog can inspire people to take ownership of their future and ultimately change a city's trajectory.
Working at the United Way of Greater Cincinnati, I experienced the power of a community “bumping zone” where new connections led to productive partnerships.
Helping Covington, Kentucky (pop. 40,000) partner with the chamber of commerce and neighborhood organizations to write and implement a strategic plan showed me that people would support what they co-create.
Working with Black, white, and Hispanic students along with parents, educators, and community leaders to address racial disparities in student discipline showed me that very different people can work together cooperatively.
Seeing a group of junior high students rally to support a newcomer who expressed suicidal thoughts showed what’s possible when facilitators create a safe space for intimate connections.
Offering a “grief session” to clients, volunteers, and staff of an Appalachian human service organization that was closing its doors unearthed the power of community when the dialog inspired people to keep parts of the agency going on a volunteer basis.
Seeing the tears of two competing school board members, both upset over how the other side treated them, proved that everyone in the public arena needs a break from public criticism.
Helping school administrators feel their teachers’ despair at being unable to help students with severe social or emotional challenges inspired the superintendent to increase funding for mental health classroom specialists.
Benefits to Public Leaders
Get better results
When a leader facilitates authentic connection and deep conversation, people naturally seek to understand rather than shout, which leads to empathy and compromise. Creative ideas and better solutions emerge, and the public is far more likely to support what they co-create with you. When you create a consistent structure of belonging, the public will cooperate in good faith – with you and each other. An ongoing partnership with the public is where you find real power to get something important done. Freed from being the public’s parent, you engender community governance where government is only a (critical) part of how you create a common future.
You might wonder whether you have time for relational engagement, but “leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior” (Brene Brown). You will get better results if you dive into the deep waters of relationship building.
Build support for your work
When people connect to each other and to you, their anger will dissipate, and the toxic dialog will become a real conversation that creates …
Mutual respect that inspires all voices to speak up.
Deep listening that helps everyone feel heard.
Co-creation of potential solutions with the public.
Understanding of trade-offs that come with any tough decision.
These four elements form the foundation for building support for your work.
Transform passive consumers into active citizens
Incivility has caused many people to stop paying attention to political debates. It has reached a level that is “undermining the social capital and social trust necessary to sustain a commitment to democratic governance” (James Davenport, 2023, Heterodox Academy), leading to a public of passive consumers rather than active citizens. Public leaders regularly tell me that their emails and social media posts go unread and that constituents don’t bother to visit a website to answer simple questions for themselves. One principal told me she wasted hours every day explaining to parents a testing schedule that was already emailed, posted, texted, and sent home in student folders.
Relational engagement provides the antidote to passive consumerism: connection and a sense of belonging. When people feel like they belong to something bigger than themselves, they will trade complaints for collective purpose and work for the common good.
Grow as a person and leader
As discussed in this book, the shift in your relationship with the public begins when you change the person in the mirror – the same changes that will improve your work and family relationships. While engagement can be stressful and scary, it will help you grow as a leader and person.
You will learn to see the public through a different lens (perception), admit you might be wrong (humility), hold space for others (empathy), and hear critical feedback without losing yourself (courage). You will learn to listen and co-create, not win or persuade.
These are also qualities that America needs to develop right now to successfully address our challenges. I hope this book will inspire you to create spaces where you can practice and the public can learn these skills.
Find satisfaction at work
Relational engagement allows you to find satisfaction in each room and conversation rather than a grand result, as it provides an unending string of small moments where you experience others making new connections that will sustain you through the daily grind of decision-making. In other words, you will enjoy public service not through abstract plans or unseen results but through authentic connections and surprising breakthroughs made right before you.
Make local government the center of social transformation
My goal is to inspire local leaders, including government and community institutions like foundations, large non-profits, and hospitals, to take on the challenge of humanizing their public debate. Why? First, diverse opinions are unavoidable in local government, which means local government must facilitate any disagreeable parties around an issue.
Second, local government works with actual neighbors, people who interact in more ways than public debate. The benefits of humanizing public conversations will more quickly affect the larger culture of these local communities. Third, local government can tailor their strategies to the culture of their communities. In contrast, any state or federal “humanization mandate” will miss the mark with many.
Finally, the possibility of massive social change exists at the local level: nationally, 35,000 municipalities and 13,800 school districts hold at least monthly public hearings. That’s 585,600 public gatherings where local leaders can help residents connect while learning to collaborate. Real change can happen by taking advantage of every gathering to practice engagement. The trick, however, is consistent practice at engaging each other and staying connected despite disagreement. This book will teach you how to do that.
With steady practice, people will learn to trust each other and build the resilience necessary to make the painful trade-offs we face in the future. Ultimately, relational engagement will reconnect citizens – the rudder of the ship – to government and public institutions so that we can sustain our democracy through the storms ahead.
Chapter Summary
You should read this book because…
Public incivility is increasing, making it harder to address our collective challenges.
You will learn to facilitate meetings and conversations that increase civility, build public trust, and lead to more productive public engagement and increased public support for your work.
Local government and institutions have the capacity to help the public become more civil and cooperative.